I had a conversation tonight with a man I love who thinks God is an imaginary friend, an invention to make people feel better in a world that suffers. He wants to know why Catholics suffer so much when they look for God and His "plans" for their lives. The conversation was hard because he voiced fears I've had in my own heart, and when I shared my struggles the ole ticker was exposed in the pain of vulnerability.
I told him all I know is that on my half birthday, six months before I turn 30, I rediscover daily who God is. I thought for years that His "plan" for me would fall out of the sky. I got frustrated when it didn't. I got sad when life wasn't perfect and suffering didn't disappear.
I've thought, "Aren't you supposed to do something about that, God? Did you really make me to experience happiness?"
When I told that man that my understanding of God changes day by day even now, he got annoyed and said, "You gave your entire life to this religion and still don't understand God, and now you're suffering more than ever. It doesn't make any sense!"
Yeah, fa real! I agreed. Ain't that the truth?
Yes, but it's only half of the truth. The greater Truth is a reality that slowly unraveles in my heart that God is with me; He loves me; He has a plan for goodness in my life.
My friend lamented about the rules and regulations of my Faith and I told him that there something deeper than that. He said isn't religion supposed to be simple? I said yes, it's supposed to be about a relationship with God.
That relationship is different for every person. Right now for me God's love is in simple moments of ordinary life.
It is kittens in the basement that think they're so big they can go out and find their own milk crate in which to heap themselves. (It is also the bravery to take care of pets since I wholeheartedly believe that all animals should be in their natural habitats--outside).
God's love is new music and gum for my car ride. For free. From my mom who even after years of abandonment and stress in our relationship still loves me.
God's love is a friend from Texas who called me after I texted a couple people about the hard conversation I had with my faithless friend. It is his invitation to two-step when it's cold here and hot there. It is his jokes about cheese steaks and cat wrangling, and a bizarre commercial about the latter the only Texans could create.
It is a text from another friend who said I am loved.
It is a picture of a California sunset sent by a friend who appreciates beauty in creation--and takes the time to share it with me.
God's love is a picture my brother gave me that he designed. It says, "Walk with a smile"... and there's a crosswalk in the background. Because even a smile to a stranger can change a person's life.
It is another friend who texted me and asked me if I found a place to live yet. She promised to continue to look and pray for me.
God's love blows my mind and expands my heart. Tiny little miracles. Little microscopic moments that I can't control and didn't plan shared with people all around me in every stage and walk of life.
I am Christian, but I still suffer. Christ died on the cross and He wants Christians to be like Him... But He also had the resurrection which overcame all sin and death...
I will have to finish reading John Paul II's letter on suffering to flesh out the theological understanding of Christian suffering.
In the meantime I will focus on the weird joy that surfaces in the midst of pain.
This joy is un-American because it doesn't seem like I can work for it. And it's inexplicable because I don't have to use my college-educated brain to decipher it. Instead I have to let it seep into my heart-- that hard place I like to close up with padlocks, dragon- flanked drawbridges and cement fortress walls--and let it become the reality of who I am: a daughter of God filled with gifts and talents like every other human being but like no one else in the world with a mission, the desire to spread the fire of Christian joy in the natural habitats of human hearts.
To do that, I gotta get back on the "Thank You Jesus, Praise You Jesus" train because that positive thinking fosters gratitude and makes my heart more open to the tiny gifts that my Father lavishes on me every day -- through diverse places and faces, the one holy Catholic apostolic universal village Church.
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